So between then and now has been a roller coaster. There's been concern, a birth, more concern, moving, and PPD.
I'll start with the moving. Shortly after my son was born, we decided to move to a bigger place. Our current lease was up and they were raising the rent. I found a place a couple towns over, same price, more than twice the room. However, I'm packing and moving and cleaning alone. With a newborn. No stress there.
Now with the pregnancy stuff. I knew while pregnant that things just didn't feel right. The last trimester was difficult. The baby was measuring big and they were talking 10+ lbs and possible c-section. I was having dreams of having a dead baby.
I know it's normal to feel stressed about child birth, but I'd never had dreams like this before. I kept telling the doctors that something wasn't right but everything looked fine and I was dismissed.
At 36 weeks, my water broke. When Mark was born, the cord was wrapped around his neck and he'd been having massive decelerations prior to being born. The nurses and midwife were in a very concerned state, but not panicking. They were very concerned and forcing me into purple pushing to get him out more quickly. When he was born..he was blue...no, not blue, he was so blue he looked like a grayish-black...and then...he didn't breathe. I was terrified. Thankfully with some brisk(read rough) stimulation, he caught his breath and pinked up. He was a healthy 7lbs 7oz at 4 weeks early. Can you imagine what I would have faced with another 4 weeks? How tight his cord would have gotten as he'd plumped up? The midwife couldn't even slip it over his head, it was so tight. She had to turn the baby to untangle him.
After giving birth, Edwin informed me that he'd also been having dreams of still birth. Don't tell me that there isn't foresight. We knew what was up. I wish doctors would listen to intuition more. We know when something's wrong with our bodies.
When Mark Alejandro was born(see picture):
We waited and waited but his levels just kept rising. He eventually had to be on formula and under a bili light because he had breast milk jaundice. This was following having to have formula because he was premie and it was "the rules". That's a rant for another day.
So, after all that time on formula, my milk died off. I'm hanging by a thread right now, he's mostly bottle fed, and once again, I am a failure at nursing. Go me. Three times. Gotta be some kind of record. *sigh*
Once we got the jaundice cleared up, I started noticing that I wasn't doing so great. In fact, I was doing terribly. I was having rages that would leave me shaking for hours. I had less than no patience for the kids. My husband had suddenly morphed into the stupidest man alive, and I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I kept telling myself it would get better, it always did. It was the sleep depravation, it was the exhaustion, it was the hormones.... After 2 weeks, I wasn't doing any better.. after 4 I was thinking of new and creative ways to commit suicide. I couldn't breathe half the time and my heart rate was erratic. The smallest thing would leave me with a panic attack and crying.
I had up times. Times where I almost felt normal. One of those times was at my 6 week check up. I reported I was feeling fine.. A few days later...I was far from fine. I need help. Now, if only we could afford it.
The birth and subsequent medical issues Mark has had has left us with a large debt to be paid. Our insurance is less than great and most everything comes out of our own pockets(what do we pay them for again?). I can't see going to talk to someone when we can't afford the debt we currently have.
So I put my head down and I plow through. What choice do I have? I hope that we'll soon be able to afford me seeing someone, but in the mean time I focus on things that give me pause about self harm...not the least of which is, I don't have a will. Where will Lori go? Obviously the boys can stay with their Dad, but who takes Lori? Do I really want George to raise her? He's barely got his shit together with his current family..how would throwing Lori in there work? So, I remind myself during dark moments and power through.
One day, the light will come back. It always does. Depression isn't new for me. Until then, I take the joy where I can find it and barrel through another day hoping tomorrow will be better.