Thank you sir, may I have another?

So between then and now has been a roller coaster. There's been concern, a birth, more concern, moving, and PPD.
I'll start with the moving. Shortly after my son was born, we decided to move to a bigger place. Our current lease was up and they were raising the rent. I found a place a couple towns over, same price, more than twice the room. However, I'm packing and moving and cleaning alone. With a newborn. No stress there.

Now with the pregnancy stuff. I knew while pregnant that things just didn't feel right. The last trimester was difficult. The baby was measuring big and they were talking 10+ lbs and possible c-section. I was having dreams of having a dead baby.

I know it's normal to feel stressed about child birth, but I'd never had dreams like this before. I kept telling the doctors that something wasn't right but everything looked fine and I was dismissed.

At 36 weeks, my water broke. When Mark was born, the cord was wrapped around his neck and he'd been having massive decelerations prior to being born. The nurses and midwife were in a very concerned state, but not panicking. They were very concerned and forcing me into purple pushing to get him out more quickly. When he was born..he was blue...no, not blue, he was so blue he looked like a grayish-black...and then...he didn't breathe. I was terrified. Thankfully with some brisk(read rough) stimulation, he caught his breath and pinked up. He was a healthy 7lbs 7oz at 4 weeks early. Can you imagine what I would have faced with another 4 weeks? How tight his cord would have gotten as he'd plumped up? The midwife couldn't even slip it over his head, it was so tight. She had to turn the baby to untangle him.

After giving birth, Edwin informed me that he'd also been having dreams of still birth. Don't tell me that there isn't foresight. We knew what was up. I wish doctors would listen to intuition more. We know when something's wrong with our bodies.

When Mark Alejandro was born(see picture):

He quickly jaundiced. 

see how yellow he is?

We waited and waited but his levels just kept rising. He eventually had to be on formula and under a bili light because he had breast milk jaundice. This was following having to have formula because he was premie and it was "the rules". That's a rant for another day.

So, after all that time on formula, my milk died off. I'm hanging by a thread right now, he's mostly bottle fed, and once again, I am a failure at nursing. Go me. Three times. Gotta be some kind of record. *sigh*

Once we got the jaundice cleared up, I started noticing that I wasn't doing so great. In fact, I was doing terribly. I was having rages that would leave me shaking for hours. I had less than no patience for the kids. My husband had suddenly morphed into the stupidest man alive, and I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I kept telling myself it would get better, it always did. It was the sleep depravation, it was the exhaustion, it was the hormones.... After 2 weeks, I wasn't doing any better.. after 4 I was thinking of new and creative ways to commit suicide. I couldn't breathe half the time and my heart rate was erratic. The smallest thing would leave me with a panic attack and crying.

I had up times. Times where I almost felt normal. One of those times was at my 6 week check up. I reported I was feeling fine.. A few days later...I was far from fine. I need help. Now, if only we could afford it.

The birth and subsequent medical issues Mark has had has left us with a large debt to be paid. Our insurance is less than great and most everything comes out of our own pockets(what do we pay them for again?). I can't see going to talk to someone when we can't afford the debt we currently have.

So I put my head down and I plow through. What choice do I have? I hope that we'll soon be able to afford me seeing someone, but in the mean time I focus on things that give me pause about self harm...not the least of which is, I don't have a will. Where will Lori go? Obviously the boys can stay with their Dad, but who takes Lori? Do I really want George to raise her? He's barely got his shit together with his current family..how would throwing Lori in there work? So, I remind myself during dark moments and power through.

One day, the light will come back. It always does. Depression isn't new for me. Until then, I take the joy where I can find it and barrel through another day hoping tomorrow will be better.

2nd trimester

Baby and I are good. The kids are starting to get excited about the coming baby.

Edwin, David, and I went to Ikea yesterday and looked at the baby stuff. David wanted to help pick the crib, which made me very happy. He's getting onboard!

Lori has spent her birthday with her Dad, and is supposed to stay the week but she's giving attitude and driving her step mom crazy, so we'll see how it goes :(

Michelle is off with her Aunt for the next 3 weeks. It's nice to have some down time with just one kiddo.

Not much else is new. Slow life.

Week 7

I'm 7 weeks pregnant as of today.

So far it's been pretty easy. Things are going well so far. Have my first appointment on the 10th.

I think I'm working on a bladder infection. That does not excite me at all.

I am holding my breath until the first trimester is over. Then I'll go REALLY crazy. :)

I seem to be having some pretty gnarly blood sugar issues. I have to eat every couple hours or I get irritable, shaky, nauseated, and dizzy. Fun at every turn.

But all in all it's been easy so far. Only thrown up once. I am tired a lot but not daily. It comes and goes. Some days are great, others I wish the kids could do their own thing all day so I could sleep.

See?! There's good reason for having large gaps between children!

The kids are doing well. David is getting tall. Still can't say his R's. Still w's. "Pawents" "Lowi" Kinda cute honestly.

Lori's almost done with this year of school, she's excited to start summer. Not sure what we'll do this summer but we have some thoughts. Do some fun "stay-cation" type stuff. Local camping, day trips to local places. Can have fun on a budget, right?

What doesn't suck.

1) My children laughing..over anything. Especially my youngest as he's some how/somewhere picked up putting his head down on his arm and slamming his other fist on the table when he laughs. It's adorable.

2) Watching my children discover new things. It's like learning all over again.

3) Watching my favorite shows while relaxing after a long day. I love me time.

4) Good times with good friends.

5) Knowing that I have an amazing husband at the end of each day.

6) Explaining my family to other people. It sounds so much worse than it is.

7) Having a net to catch me when I fail. It happens more often than I'd like.

What doesn't suck for you?

A career?

Today I'm wondering if I should get a career. I feel like I should be doing more. It's been 10 years since high school and while I have 2 beautiful children I feel like I want to do more.

I've been considering for some time the prospect of being a midwife. I want to help women have successful safe births. I've been called a little militant about hospital births and I guess that true on some level.

Hospital creates a worse case scenerio and intervenes in ways that create more problems than they solve. Women have been birthing with only other women to help forever. Even in current society, Europe relys almost exclusively on midwives for non-complex births. They still vaginally deliver breech and multiples. There are so many unnesscary c-sections.

But do I become direct entry or a nurse-midwife? Do I instead just be a doula and help women who birth in the hospital?

Choices.

I have to decide.

Opinions?

Life continues on

So we've been super busy moving into our new place(pictures to come probably) and getting into the swing of things after spring break and spring week.

We're almost unpacked...well, we have less boxes to unpack than when we started. I hate unpacking when there's not enough space. I feel like if I just tried harder I could find a home for everything but the facts are that there simply isn't enough room!

Edwin and I have been discussing hanging pictures for, well, two weeks now. We've yet to do it. I started doing it on my own but they were slightly crooked and Edwin was all "blah blah blah deposit, holes, haveyoulostyoureverlovinmind?!" so I gave up until he can help.

You see, Edwin has a system. He holds the picture against the wall with a level to make sure it's straight, then has me mark the corners, then he takes it down and measures the distance from the top of the frame to the nail holder-thingy. Measure twice nail once. Generally it means that the pictures hang perfectly without making many holes only centimeters apart(my method).

As you can tell, that's a totally lame way to hang a photo. What is hanging pictures without worrying about if that new hole will hold above the old one?! It's all about the risk.

So, we haven't done that. Probably because in our last place we were on the phones with divorce lawyers before it got done. We have VERY different views on it and each of us may or may not be ever so slightly crazy control freak-y. Possibly..it's been mentioned a couple times by various crackpots friends.

The children are loving the new place and seem to barely remember the old one. It's probably the indoor pool.

We also got a new cat name Mojo Thunder. He's quiet large. About 16lbs. He's between 7-10 and a sweety. He's got a mind of his own but is pretty good with the kids. He leaves before he scratches. Our biggest challange has been David wanting to play fighting games with the cat.. Apparently a 3year old with a foam sword rushing you is scarry to kitty. Go figure!

I just got back from helping a family friend through some tough times. She's early in her pregnancy and was on bedrest for a week following some spotting. It seemed to be adhesions from her c-section 9 years ago, but better safe than sorry. She was also having some emotional stuff so I stayed to keep her company and help her with her kids. While the circumstances were less than ideal, it was fun.

Ok, I should go finish my house work so that the house doesn't totally come crashing down. Perhaps unpack some more pesky boxes.

Not Dead

I'm not dead. I know I've been MIA but packing and moving in 3 weeks is not an easy thing. We finally have closed out the old house and turned in the keys this morning.

Our apartment is working out well. It's crowded with boxes right now but it's slowly coming together. Just have to put in the time to make it perfect. Not to mention the storage, or lack there of.

We have downsized a ton, but may need to do more.

Will provide pics and more info soon..