Done, all done! Thank heavens. Kids look cute, I'm proud of my work. And I'll post pics of the post sugar high tomorrow!
Done, all done! Thank heavens. Kids look cute, I'm proud of my work. And I'll post pics of the post sugar high tomorrow!
Halloween is almost here. Got two of my three costumes done. Here's David's. Need to take photo's of Lori's and started on Michelle's. I never want to sew again. I'm loving the creativity of it but it's exhausting. At least the kids look stinkin' cute!
Back on my pills after stopping for a week. Man, that was a rough week. So angry. So, clearly going to have to stay on these forever. That's a hard realization.
In other news, I got to see the cutest little cousin EVER! Wish I had a picture to post(hint hint mom).
So, I'm surfing the web while I SHOULD be sewing. I cleaned the house pretty well the other day so that's less of a concern but Halloween is coming fast and I have 3 costumes to sew! And a table runner. Ugh! I need a tv in my sewing room so I can sew my fingers.. sheesh..
So, to recap: need pills, am procrastinating, cute expanding family, queen of bad ideas.
In other news, I got to see the cutest little cousin EVER! Wish I had a picture to post(hint hint mom).
So, I'm surfing the web while I SHOULD be sewing. I cleaned the house pretty well the other day so that's less of a concern but Halloween is coming fast and I have 3 costumes to sew! And a table runner. Ugh! I need a tv in my sewing room so I can sew my fingers.. sheesh..
So, to recap: need pills, am procrastinating, cute expanding family, queen of bad ideas.
I've had depression my entire life. I've done therapy for YEARS without getting better. I'm still over anxious, still sure everyone is looking at me and judging me. Everything said is a criticism. But mostly and most difficult to deal with is the sadness..no not sadness, hopelessness. Depression is, for me at least, a vast sea of hopelessness.
Its nothing I can swim through, climb out of. It's all encompassing and drowns me. I'll pull myself out of bed but doing anything beyond the basics is more than I can do. I feed my children but not myself, bathe them but not me. I meet their needs but when I'm down, we'll all watch tv for days. No park, no crafts, play together for a while. Not the mommy I want to be.
So yesterday I started my Prozac again. It the only thing thats ever made me feel more like I imagine normal feels like. No snapping, no yelling, no wallowing in my own filth, no overwhelming fear over everything. Better. Everyone notices. Lori even asked me to go back on my 'more patience pills'.
I had been doing ok without them I thought, but a recent loss of a baby pushed me out on a precarious limb where I didn't feel secure at all. I'm better everyday but this will help.
When I'm in a more stable mood I think of things like working. About having a preschool/child care center in my home. How much I'd love to have all those children around, teaching them how to count and funny songs. I'd love to do that, but I never will. Because I know one day I'll feel better and stop my pills. And I'll snap and yell and fear and become overwhelmed and those children will become acquainted with Disney. It isn't fair to my children so I won't inflict it on anyone elses. Yet I daydream. I mentioned my thoughts of childcare to Edwin. He looked at me like I'd lost my mind, perhaps sprouted two heads.
He said some days he thinks I'm going to kill the kids I have. So, I dream and know I can't. That's life. Maybe one day I'll find a passion I can follow.
Its nothing I can swim through, climb out of. It's all encompassing and drowns me. I'll pull myself out of bed but doing anything beyond the basics is more than I can do. I feed my children but not myself, bathe them but not me. I meet their needs but when I'm down, we'll all watch tv for days. No park, no crafts, play together for a while. Not the mommy I want to be.
So yesterday I started my Prozac again. It the only thing thats ever made me feel more like I imagine normal feels like. No snapping, no yelling, no wallowing in my own filth, no overwhelming fear over everything. Better. Everyone notices. Lori even asked me to go back on my 'more patience pills'.
I had been doing ok without them I thought, but a recent loss of a baby pushed me out on a precarious limb where I didn't feel secure at all. I'm better everyday but this will help.
When I'm in a more stable mood I think of things like working. About having a preschool/child care center in my home. How much I'd love to have all those children around, teaching them how to count and funny songs. I'd love to do that, but I never will. Because I know one day I'll feel better and stop my pills. And I'll snap and yell and fear and become overwhelmed and those children will become acquainted with Disney. It isn't fair to my children so I won't inflict it on anyone elses. Yet I daydream. I mentioned my thoughts of childcare to Edwin. He looked at me like I'd lost my mind, perhaps sprouted two heads.
He said some days he thinks I'm going to kill the kids I have. So, I dream and know I can't. That's life. Maybe one day I'll find a passion I can follow.
So as all my (1) readers know, Monday is my birthday.
So far I've gotten an offer to babysit(though I may have misunderstood what was said) and a book with gift cards tucked in(Thanks Rodney!).
We'll see if anyone else remembers. My family is famous for being spacey!
So Elizabeth(read Edwin's baby mama) has a chance to get tickets to the OSU game on Saturday afternoon and we would LOVE to go, problem is, it's 2 tickets. So we have to find a sitter if we want to go(hello above offer?). And we have to know tonight, so perhaps this won't work out but I'm keeping fingers crossed.
I would love to be there shouting at the players and the ref's.. Oooooo Ssssss Uuuuuu Oregon State FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT. David would love going too, every Saturday he watches with his father "my football. I watch my football."
Yes, my kiddo totally talks in lowercase.
Ah life, I've heard since a small child you aren't fair, and I'd like to tell you that you suck.
Recently I feel you've been kicking me when I'm down.
We've been considering buying a house for a while now, off and on. Edwin won't even consider going to the bank for a pre-approval letter to see what we're offered. I tell him it's not a commitment, it's just information, but...he's him.
I've found this beautiful house for $175,000 4 bedroom, 1910 farm house, 3 stories, detached garage that appears to have been a small barn. Fenced yard, quite neighborhood. I'm in lust and he agrees it might be perfect and I was able to get 'anonymous' loan quotes based on info we provided but we don't understand what half of it means and he wants to know if we get them, but then not do anything about them. The payment estimate is slightly higher than our rent, which really? why should we pay someone else's mortgage?
In other news the kids are doing well. David is growing and learning, well...I'm trying to teach, he's resisting learning. A lot. We tried A makes the 'ah ah' sound like ah ah apple and he FLIPPED OUT saying it wasn't 'ah ah apple just APPLE' and over and over and over..we never moved past that. So I need to find other teaching methods. He's so literal he's going to be tough.
We checked into tutoring for Lori but the costs are SO prohibitive. Don't know what we'll do. Maybe check ad's for a less spendy private tutor? Doesn't answer the issues of testing.
Thought I'd update since I hadn't in forever. I'll leave you with a cute picture:
David and his portrait entitled "Haha got your camera mom"
Recently I feel you've been kicking me when I'm down.
We've been considering buying a house for a while now, off and on. Edwin won't even consider going to the bank for a pre-approval letter to see what we're offered. I tell him it's not a commitment, it's just information, but...he's him.
I've found this beautiful house for $175,000 4 bedroom, 1910 farm house, 3 stories, detached garage that appears to have been a small barn. Fenced yard, quite neighborhood. I'm in lust and he agrees it might be perfect and I was able to get 'anonymous' loan quotes based on info we provided but we don't understand what half of it means and he wants to know if we get them, but then not do anything about them. The payment estimate is slightly higher than our rent, which really? why should we pay someone else's mortgage?In other news the kids are doing well. David is growing and learning, well...I'm trying to teach, he's resisting learning. A lot. We tried A makes the 'ah ah' sound like ah ah apple and he FLIPPED OUT saying it wasn't 'ah ah apple just APPLE' and over and over and over..we never moved past that. So I need to find other teaching methods. He's so literal he's going to be tough.
We checked into tutoring for Lori but the costs are SO prohibitive. Don't know what we'll do. Maybe check ad's for a less spendy private tutor? Doesn't answer the issues of testing.
Thought I'd update since I hadn't in forever. I'll leave you with a cute picture:
David and his portrait entitled "Haha got your camera mom"
So last weekend we decided to take the kids to the coast to force knowledge down their throats have a good time. We went to see the ship wreck of the Peter Iredale that wrecked in 1906. It looked like this after it's crash.
This is what it looked like this weekend. The kids could have cared less what it was or why it was there. They just played in the sand and surf for a couple hours.
After the beach, we went to the Ft. Steven's state park. Specifically we went to their military museum. We lucked out and they had some people who were doing a reenactment of a naval landing party. I don't recall what ship specifically but it was neat. We got to see a practice cannon loading.
And learned that girls had a position in the navy at that time. 7-8 year old children were used as 'powder monkeys' in the ships because the ships were so small. People would bring their children when they couldn't care for them. The girls would work and send money home and would leave the military able to read, write, have manners, ect. and could make a good match above their class. The boys would do the same but had the opportunity to become captians. We learned that Admrial David Glasgow Farragut, who famously said "Damn the torpedos, full steam ahead!" in the Battle of Mobile Bay, became the captain of his own ship at the tender age of 12 years old.
They also had a jeep from WWII(I believe) that the kids could play in. The girls would duck and fire out the back while David bravely drove on. The girls would yell "DUCK!!" and David would look around and say "There's no duck." He was very confused!
Lori learned to spin yarn. She had trouble getting the rythem down. Heel, toe, heel, toe.
Well in all fairness, she just somehow did it wrong cause it kept going the wrong direction, so maybe the wrong order? Toe heel toe heel.. She got to bring home some wool.
David's favorite time was behind the wheel of the Jeep. We must have gone back to that thing 3 times or better. He was a wild driver, making sharp turns and rapid direction changes.
Though I guess he would have avoided being shot. All in all we had fun. The kids got some sun but Mom got burned(shock!). Even Edwin seemed to enjoy exploring stuff. We hope to go back for the Civil War reenactment over Labor Day.
This is what it looked like this weekend. The kids could have cared less what it was or why it was there. They just played in the sand and surf for a couple hours.
After the beach, we went to the Ft. Steven's state park. Specifically we went to their military museum. We lucked out and they had some people who were doing a reenactment of a naval landing party. I don't recall what ship specifically but it was neat. We got to see a practice cannon loading.
And learned that girls had a position in the navy at that time. 7-8 year old children were used as 'powder monkeys' in the ships because the ships were so small. People would bring their children when they couldn't care for them. The girls would work and send money home and would leave the military able to read, write, have manners, ect. and could make a good match above their class. The boys would do the same but had the opportunity to become captians. We learned that Admrial David Glasgow Farragut, who famously said "Damn the torpedos, full steam ahead!" in the Battle of Mobile Bay, became the captain of his own ship at the tender age of 12 years old.
They also had a jeep from WWII(I believe) that the kids could play in. The girls would duck and fire out the back while David bravely drove on. The girls would yell "DUCK!!" and David would look around and say "There's no duck." He was very confused!
Lori learned to spin yarn. She had trouble getting the rythem down. Heel, toe, heel, toe.
Well in all fairness, she just somehow did it wrong cause it kept going the wrong direction, so maybe the wrong order? Toe heel toe heel.. She got to bring home some wool.
David's favorite time was behind the wheel of the Jeep. We must have gone back to that thing 3 times or better. He was a wild driver, making sharp turns and rapid direction changes.
Though I guess he would have avoided being shot. All in all we had fun. The kids got some sun but Mom got burned(shock!). Even Edwin seemed to enjoy exploring stuff. We hope to go back for the Civil War reenactment over Labor Day.
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