So today I'm feeling much better, but to put that in perspective yesterday I laid on the couch and made Lori help with David. And of course by "help" I mean do it all. I was one sick puppy. The kids had sandwiches for lunch and dinner because Edwin was at work. Today I'm slowly putting the house back to rights. A single sick day for mom means a destroyed house. Thus far I've caught up on dishes(you wouldn't think there'd be so many since there was no cooking) swept the kitchen floor, vacuumed, and put the slip cover back on our couch after washing it.
Which brings up the second part of this title. When I lifted up the couch to secure the slip cover I saw a HUGE crack down the middle of our front support in our couch. So now we have to try and find a new one. *sigh* Don't know how we'll do that.
See?? One day with Mom off the clock and the whole house falls apart.
So I have to go back to cleaning the house up and child wrangling but thought I'd update since I hadn't in forever.
Done, all done! Thank heavens. Kids look cute, I'm proud of my work. And I'll post pics of the post sugar high tomorrow!
Halloween is almost here. Got two of my three costumes done. Here's David's. Need to take photo's of Lori's and started on Michelle's. I never want to sew again. I'm loving the creativity of it but it's exhausting. At least the kids look stinkin' cute!
Back on my pills after stopping for a week. Man, that was a rough week. So angry. So, clearly going to have to stay on these forever. That's a hard realization.
In other news, I got to see the cutest little cousin EVER! Wish I had a picture to post(hint hint mom).
So, I'm surfing the web while I SHOULD be sewing. I cleaned the house pretty well the other day so that's less of a concern but Halloween is coming fast and I have 3 costumes to sew! And a table runner. Ugh! I need a tv in my sewing room so I can sew my fingers.. sheesh..
So, to recap: need pills, am procrastinating, cute expanding family, queen of bad ideas.
In other news, I got to see the cutest little cousin EVER! Wish I had a picture to post(hint hint mom).
So, I'm surfing the web while I SHOULD be sewing. I cleaned the house pretty well the other day so that's less of a concern but Halloween is coming fast and I have 3 costumes to sew! And a table runner. Ugh! I need a tv in my sewing room so I can sew my fingers.. sheesh..
So, to recap: need pills, am procrastinating, cute expanding family, queen of bad ideas.
I've had depression my entire life. I've done therapy for YEARS without getting better. I'm still over anxious, still sure everyone is looking at me and judging me. Everything said is a criticism. But mostly and most difficult to deal with is the sadness..no not sadness, hopelessness. Depression is, for me at least, a vast sea of hopelessness.
Its nothing I can swim through, climb out of. It's all encompassing and drowns me. I'll pull myself out of bed but doing anything beyond the basics is more than I can do. I feed my children but not myself, bathe them but not me. I meet their needs but when I'm down, we'll all watch tv for days. No park, no crafts, play together for a while. Not the mommy I want to be.
So yesterday I started my Prozac again. It the only thing thats ever made me feel more like I imagine normal feels like. No snapping, no yelling, no wallowing in my own filth, no overwhelming fear over everything. Better. Everyone notices. Lori even asked me to go back on my 'more patience pills'.
I had been doing ok without them I thought, but a recent loss of a baby pushed me out on a precarious limb where I didn't feel secure at all. I'm better everyday but this will help.
When I'm in a more stable mood I think of things like working. About having a preschool/child care center in my home. How much I'd love to have all those children around, teaching them how to count and funny songs. I'd love to do that, but I never will. Because I know one day I'll feel better and stop my pills. And I'll snap and yell and fear and become overwhelmed and those children will become acquainted with Disney. It isn't fair to my children so I won't inflict it on anyone elses. Yet I daydream. I mentioned my thoughts of childcare to Edwin. He looked at me like I'd lost my mind, perhaps sprouted two heads.
He said some days he thinks I'm going to kill the kids I have. So, I dream and know I can't. That's life. Maybe one day I'll find a passion I can follow.
Its nothing I can swim through, climb out of. It's all encompassing and drowns me. I'll pull myself out of bed but doing anything beyond the basics is more than I can do. I feed my children but not myself, bathe them but not me. I meet their needs but when I'm down, we'll all watch tv for days. No park, no crafts, play together for a while. Not the mommy I want to be.
So yesterday I started my Prozac again. It the only thing thats ever made me feel more like I imagine normal feels like. No snapping, no yelling, no wallowing in my own filth, no overwhelming fear over everything. Better. Everyone notices. Lori even asked me to go back on my 'more patience pills'.
I had been doing ok without them I thought, but a recent loss of a baby pushed me out on a precarious limb where I didn't feel secure at all. I'm better everyday but this will help.
When I'm in a more stable mood I think of things like working. About having a preschool/child care center in my home. How much I'd love to have all those children around, teaching them how to count and funny songs. I'd love to do that, but I never will. Because I know one day I'll feel better and stop my pills. And I'll snap and yell and fear and become overwhelmed and those children will become acquainted with Disney. It isn't fair to my children so I won't inflict it on anyone elses. Yet I daydream. I mentioned my thoughts of childcare to Edwin. He looked at me like I'd lost my mind, perhaps sprouted two heads.
He said some days he thinks I'm going to kill the kids I have. So, I dream and know I can't. That's life. Maybe one day I'll find a passion I can follow.
So as all my (1) readers know, Monday is my birthday.
So far I've gotten an offer to babysit(though I may have misunderstood what was said) and a book with gift cards tucked in(Thanks Rodney!).
We'll see if anyone else remembers. My family is famous for being spacey!
So Elizabeth(read Edwin's baby mama) has a chance to get tickets to the OSU game on Saturday afternoon and we would LOVE to go, problem is, it's 2 tickets. So we have to find a sitter if we want to go(hello above offer?). And we have to know tonight, so perhaps this won't work out but I'm keeping fingers crossed.
I would love to be there shouting at the players and the ref's.. Oooooo Ssssss Uuuuuu Oregon State FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT. David would love going too, every Saturday he watches with his father "my football. I watch my football."
Yes, my kiddo totally talks in lowercase.
Ah life, I've heard since a small child you aren't fair, and I'd like to tell you that you suck.
Recently I feel you've been kicking me when I'm down.
We've been considering buying a house for a while now, off and on. Edwin won't even consider going to the bank for a pre-approval letter to see what we're offered. I tell him it's not a commitment, it's just information, but...he's him.
I've found this beautiful house for $175,000 4 bedroom, 1910 farm house, 3 stories, detached garage that appears to have been a small barn. Fenced yard, quite neighborhood. I'm in lust and he agrees it might be perfect and I was able to get 'anonymous' loan quotes based on info we provided but we don't understand what half of it means and he wants to know if we get them, but then not do anything about them. The payment estimate is slightly higher than our rent, which really? why should we pay someone else's mortgage?
In other news the kids are doing well. David is growing and learning, well...I'm trying to teach, he's resisting learning. A lot. We tried A makes the 'ah ah' sound like ah ah apple and he FLIPPED OUT saying it wasn't 'ah ah apple just APPLE' and over and over and over..we never moved past that. So I need to find other teaching methods. He's so literal he's going to be tough.
We checked into tutoring for Lori but the costs are SO prohibitive. Don't know what we'll do. Maybe check ad's for a less spendy private tutor? Doesn't answer the issues of testing.
Thought I'd update since I hadn't in forever. I'll leave you with a cute picture:
David and his portrait entitled "Haha got your camera mom"
Recently I feel you've been kicking me when I'm down.
We've been considering buying a house for a while now, off and on. Edwin won't even consider going to the bank for a pre-approval letter to see what we're offered. I tell him it's not a commitment, it's just information, but...he's him.
I've found this beautiful house for $175,000 4 bedroom, 1910 farm house, 3 stories, detached garage that appears to have been a small barn. Fenced yard, quite neighborhood. I'm in lust and he agrees it might be perfect and I was able to get 'anonymous' loan quotes based on info we provided but we don't understand what half of it means and he wants to know if we get them, but then not do anything about them. The payment estimate is slightly higher than our rent, which really? why should we pay someone else's mortgage?In other news the kids are doing well. David is growing and learning, well...I'm trying to teach, he's resisting learning. A lot. We tried A makes the 'ah ah' sound like ah ah apple and he FLIPPED OUT saying it wasn't 'ah ah apple just APPLE' and over and over and over..we never moved past that. So I need to find other teaching methods. He's so literal he's going to be tough.
We checked into tutoring for Lori but the costs are SO prohibitive. Don't know what we'll do. Maybe check ad's for a less spendy private tutor? Doesn't answer the issues of testing.
Thought I'd update since I hadn't in forever. I'll leave you with a cute picture:
David and his portrait entitled "Haha got your camera mom"
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