I looked out the patio door today and this is what I saw. Evidently Mother Nature has been smoking a little too much hash and forgot it was nearly April. So, while it's pretty, I'm mad about it.
I was so looking forward to spring. Not to mention Lori has her first softball game tomorrow very early in the morning. This should make things interesting to say the very least.

So, today, Mother Nature, I a say kiss my booty.
Wordless Wednesday

David's pregnancy was an easy pregnancy after my first one! Little morning sickness. It was confined to the morning! And it went away before birth!

He rode LOW in my pelvis the whole time. I'd get up and my tailbone would pop. The doctors will tell you that can't happen, but I swear that's what happened.

Because his Dad was working in another state and was 5 hours away and no vacation time we decided to schedule his induction. My OB took some convincing, but since we had a reason she gave in and set a date. In some ways it was easier because when it was overwhelming I could go "We only have to go till August 4th!" And at the same time, when it was overwhelming I went, "August 4th is FOREVER away!!" Cause I was pregnant and a touch dramatic.

Everything was set. It was marked on the calender. AUGUST 4TH BABY DAY all in caps just like that.
And on August 3rd, Edwin was coming down and I was anxiously waiting for him so we could sleep a few hours and then go to the hospital and get the show on the road. The hospital called while I was waiting. Turns out, everyone and their sister went into natural labor and we got bumped. I was told maybe the 6th. That didn't work at all. He would be going back to his job on the 6th. He would have to leave mid-labor. There were tears. I was mad. How unfair could the world be??

So Edwin gets there and I explain what happened. We agree we'll figure out what to do about it tomorrow and go to bed.

I woke up at 2am and had to pee like crazy. I roll out of bed, stand up, and woosh, pee all over my feet. I run to the bathroom and finish peeing in the potty. Rinse myself off, change, go to bed. Edwin asks if anything is wrong, I am too embarassed to say what happened and just tell him it was a normal potty break.

The next morning I'm crampy but chalk it up to having been intimate with Edwin the night before. It's a beautiful day so we sit outside and watch the kids play. I'm sitting still as can be when the baby moves and I pee my pants again. I go inside, change, and say nothing about it to Edwin. Since there's no baby that day Edwin decides to go to a movie with his Dad, and I go to have lunch with a girlfriend. We decide to walk to the restaurant. It feels like walk walk pee my pants. I'm embarrassed but had a pad on so was set. We eat, "m uncomfortable. My friend, who was also my labor coach with my daughter, suggests I go home and rest and call my doc.

I call at 3pm because I'm thinking maybe the cramps are early labor. I speak with the nurse and complain about peeing my pants. I'm told the doctor will call me. I have her paged at 5:20pm and she calls back finally. She doesn't think it's anything but come in and we'll check you. She does the slide test and there are "ferns ferns everywhere" and she goes to check for dilation and effacement and as soon as she touches my cervix, the rest of my water break and is nice enough to not get her soaked.

We discuss my contractions, or lack there of, and the estimated time since my water broke. We figure it could have been 2 am or 10am either way, the baby needs to get out because the infection risk is high. So I call Edwin and inform him what's going on. He and his father have just bought the tickets and are headed to the theater. I told him to go watch the movie, they haven't even started an IV, found a room for me, let alone start the pitocin. He says call if it gets going and I need him. I call my best friend and she and her sister come. Her sister takes Lori home with her and my best friend/old labor coach stays with me until Edwin arrives. The nurse comes in to go over information and start my IV. We get things going and she starts my pitocin. Immediately my labor is intense. There is no easing into it. About 15 minutes in, I have to pee. The nurse arranges my lines so I can use the bathroom. As I start to sit up David crashes down into my left hip which hurts like crazy and a contraction starts, harder and longer than the one before it.
The nurse says "don't worry, just get up, it's just gravity helping along" and is trying to pull me upright mid-contraction. If I had the ability at the time, I'd have killed her. My friend is calling Edwin telling him things are going fast and head over now.

I get back in bed and ask if I can lay on my side. Nurse says sure, I roll over and I can't close my legs. There is something between them. I can't close my legs. I want an epidural. In fact that sentence is my chant while laboring. My doctor comes in and explains I can't have one, there isn't time. She rubs my leg while I chant, my friend holds my hand and silently curses Edwin for not being here yet.

I tell the doctor I have to push, she checks me and I have a "lip of cervix" left. She has me bear down to see if it'll move, and I moan how good it feels to push. She encourages it and helps manually push the lip of cervix out of the way. My doctor jokes "where is Edwin? I thought that was why it was planned, so he could be here" A few pushes and I have a son. I'm crying, my doctor is delaying cutting the cord so maybe Edwin will show up, and in through the door he bursts. At this point it had been explained to my doctor that he was at a movie. First sentence out of my doctors mouth to Edwin? "Was it a good movie?"

He looks embarrassed, says "she said I could stay. she said I had time" and cuts the cord.

I take my son to nurse him and am so incredibly happy. He was 8lbs 4oz 21in and born August 4th. (We still crack up he was 8 4 on 8/4) I told my OB he heard August 4th, he already had it written in and he'd be darn if he was going to change his plans because the hospital couldn't induce that day. He self induced!

The next day I'm sitting up, dressed in clothes, alert and eating like a horse. My doctor says she's never seen someone bounce back from labor so fast.

He had a lump on his head from hitting my pelvis and I have a bruised tailbone because he was big.

My doctors parting advice is next time I have a baby, I should live in the hospital for the 9th month. 8 hours from first contraction to baby with my first, 1 1/2 hours with my second, the third will likely be in a bobsled!

Two birth stories. Two completely different experiences. Two beautiful children

As for my best friend/labor coach for both births? She swears if I get pregnant again, she's taking her niece and spending a year in Guam.

So today is the day when we share all the way our children entered our lives. Since I have two children I decided to do two entries. This one will be all about my oldest child, Lori, who is now 6 1/2.

After nine months of vomiting every time anything came near my mouth and being on bed rest for 4 months due to elevated blood pressure July 10th came.

The night before I had been on the couch watching tv as normal and at around 9 pm I suddenly became exhausted. Ordinarily after a whole day of doing nothing, I had problems sleeping. But that night, I was ready for bed. I could barely keep my eyes open. So I went to bed. I slept until around 9:30 the next morning and when I got up to go use the bathroom, I felt a sharp pain in my abdomen that didn't feel like my normal braxton-hicks contractions. I figured I needed to drink something and went downstairs to get some. Still more contractions. So I called my best friend and birth coach and told her "don't make plans, I think I may be in labor" She found out if I needed her to come get me now and after talking decided we'd wait until my scheduled OB appt. for 3:30 that afternoon.

By the time of my appt. my contractions are pretty regular. I go in and they take my blood pressure and have me lay down. My doctor comes in and asks if I'm stressed or anything, I say "No but I think I'm in labor" she said "oh, well why don't we check you" she sounded very doubting.

Well she checked and I was 4cm dilated and 80% effaced so I was sent to the hospital, which was conveniently next door. I was admitted and taken upstairs to the labor area. I was strapped in and was told my the nurse I was admitted not for my labor, but because my blood pressure was at seizure level. Not a good thing.

I lay very still while my body contracts. No walking around, no using a ball, nothing. Lay there and deal. Then the doctor on call here after referred to as Dr. Numskull. He came in and informed me, not asked, informed me he would be breaking my water because I wasn't laboring fast enough. He broke my water and my pain went from ow, to owholyhelllthebaby'scuttingit'swayout. The nurse was very helpful and helped me remember how to breathe and gave me something to take the edge off. She said I needed to stay as calm and relaxed as possible so I wouldn't have to have the Magnisum Sulfate during labor, because it can cause respiratory distress in the baby. It was enough to keep me focused on things other than labor pains, because really? Do you know you can feel the back of your head on the inside? It's very trippy. And something good to think about instead of your uterus trying to self destruct.

So after he breaks my water Dr. Numskull says he has a meeting, he'll be back to check on me in a couple hours, don't worry you're a first time mom it'll take a while.
The whole time I'm telling him not to leave. But he does. And about 15-20 minutes later, I inform the nurse I have to push. She says "oh I'm sure it's just some pressure, you don't need to push yet" Well turns out, I was 9 1/2 inches, so I was pretty ready to push. I wait a few more minutes to finish dilating and start pushing. One push, everyone scramble to get ready for baby. Two pushs, still no doctor. Three pushes, nurse catches the head basically by luck alone, as she had turned to grab a blanket and saw her head was nearly all the way out. Then Dr. Numskull rushes in, grabs gloves, and comes over. Everyone is telling me not to push, my body is pushing against my will. Dr. Numskull turns her shoulders and poof there's a baby girl. He places her on my stomach haphazardly. She starts to slip off my stomach so the nurse at my side picks her up a 1/4 inch and moves her to center on my stomach. My daughter kicks and the umbilical cord is wrapped around her foot and it breaks. Blood goes EVERYWHERE! The nurse is trying to grab the baby's umbilical cord the doctor is screaming "Clamp it Clamp it" and all around panicking. She clamps and Dr. Numskull starts screaming at her "You never pull the baby you stupid fucking bitch, you never pull the baby!" This in front of her peers, my mother, myself, my best friend. They take Lori to see if she's ok and clean her up.

Dr. Numskull informs me I've torn and will need stitches. He proceeds despite me telling him repeatedly that I am not numbed by the shot he gave and basically sweat it out until he's done . That hurt more than labor.

Then they brought this tiny little 6lb 14oz 20in long person who looked completely bewildered by what had just gone on and she latched right away. I was exhausted and sore and completely detached from this little person.

It took until I was off the blood pressure drugs for me to bond with her and name her.

But now she's my little girl, who wants badly to become a little woman.

So recently Edwin and I have been discussing taking David's crib out and putting a mattress on the floor. He kept rolling off his crib turned toddler bed, and it would be handy to have another twin mattress when my step-daughter comes to stay. So last night I decide I'm going to go ahead and take his crib apart. I went in removed the mattress and the dust ruffle, and just looked at it. I couldn't do it. I couldn't take his crib apart. I couldn't end that part of his babyhood. I went back to the living room and told Edwin I couldn't do it. I explained that we'd have to wait longer. So he brought in the twin size mattress and laid it on the living room floor. David went nuts. He loved it. He thought it was great. He was bouncing on it, laying on it, stepping off it, and all around loving it. Then he went in and helped me take apart the crib.

I cried and cried and cried. It feels like he isn't my baby anymore. I mourned this stage of his growing up like nothing before in my life.

I never had to deal with this with my daughter because we co-slept until she was four. By that time I was more than ready for her to have her own room! But I'm not ready for him to be older.
If I had my way we'd go back to when he wanted snuggles and nursing all day.

I think it's made more difficult by the fact that he's my last baby. I want more, but Edwin doesn't. So this is really the end. This is it. No more baby. He's officially a big boy.

When I saw the opportunity to write my breastfeeding stories I was ecstatic. So many Mommy's go through a similar situation as mine, but no one talks about it.

I never thought about breast vs bottle. I always assumed I would breast feed because that's what moms do. Thats why we have breasts.

So after laboring and birthing my first child, Lori, they put her to my breast and she latched right away perfectly. I was so excited. There's something indescribable about having your child at your breast. We were in the hospital for a week(because of me, not her) and I nursed. She was a champ. She did so well. Then the devil worshiping spawn of Satan Lactation Consultant came in to make things worse help. She said her latch was wrong, her suck was weak, I held her wrong, ect, ect, ect. After all that, my daughter's latch hurt my breast and she sucked ALL THE TIME. She came back and told me again how much better things looked and kept touching my breast and nipple without even asking. I explained how much her latch hurt now and was informed "That isn't pain, that's pressure and the sucking, you'll get used to it." She had no explanation for why it hadn't hurt previously.
So at the end of our 6 days, we went home. I continued nursing on demand, which equaled all the time. She had to nurse to sleep, comfort, everything. It wasn't about hunger, it was comfort. And it was exhausting. I ate like I was supposed to and took it easy. I was just devoted to her needs. Her first check up they told me she wasn't gaining weight like they'd like. The ped. reviews what I should be eating and sends me home. I continue nursing on demand. I eat even more in an attempt to get as much good stuff into her as possible. We go back in for a check up, she's still underweight. Ped. recommends supplementing with formula.
I cry but start offering formula after nursing and she CHUGS it down. She was nursing all the time because she was starving. On the advice of the Lactation nurse at my ped. office, I pump a feeding session worth of milk and put it in the fridge. I call her after it's sat there for a few hours and she asks if it's separated while in the fridge. I explain it has. She asks how much fat is at the top of the bottle of milk. I told her a thin layer, with a hole in the middle. I bring a sample in to her to see for herself because she's sure I've misunderstood. There was not nearly enough fat in my milk, she declares, and lectures me about eating enough to feed my child. I saw red but left. So my daughter now nearly a month old is formula exclusive because my milk stopped. I still pumped and nursed, but it stopped. I never even had engorgement.
After I stopped nursing her, we went camping with friends(it was warm she's a summer baby) one of my friends mother is an RN. While feeding my daughter a bottle, my friends mother comments "Well we didn't have options when I had my children, we couldn't just decide to not breast feed." I encountered more of this for the next 6 months or so. People judging me and telling me I just "didn't try hard enough" to nurse. Because it was clearly a choice I made for convince, not so my child wouldn't STARVE to death.
With Infamil with Iron, she was constipated and projectile vomiting with it. I went to several doctors who said she was fine, it was normal. Until she started losing weight. Then they took me more seriously. And she'd scream. She'd scream with tummy aches, scream because it hurt to poop, everything. And no one would help be help her. Those were the worst 6 months of my life. Thankfully she outgrew it.

When I became pregnant with my son 5 years later, I decided I was going to try again and this time I would succeed. I read everything I could get my hands on. I researched the ideal breast feeding diet. I did everything I could think of. When my son was born and they gave him to me I put him right to my breast and he latched, sucked twice, and fell asleep. This was a trend we'd encounter often. He was just a sleepy baby. So I'd stroke his cheek and make him wake up and eat. He ate well and I was happy. This time when the devil worshiping spawn of Satan the Lactation Consultant came to "help" I told her I had had a baby, he was nursing fine, and please don't touch me. She left but came back at least 4 times to make me allow her to "help". I told her it didn't hurt, he was eating and sleeping fine, so f*ck off. Ok not exactly the last part, but I made it clear I think. And we go home. I feel great, I have a HUGE appetite and am eating and logging everything I eat. He's nursing well and sleeping well. We go to his first checkup and they weigh him. He hasn't even made his birth weight yet. Ped. sends us to the Lactation Nurse in his office. She doesn't believe me when I tell her I am eating healthy, extra calories, and nursing on demand because "clearly if that were the case, he'd be putting on weight wouldn't he". Lactation people are horrible bi*ches. I bring out my food log and breast feeding log(I learned!) and showed her them. She said she just didn't understand. I explained about last time, the lack of fat in my milk, ect. She says she's never seen anything like it. We switch the little man to formula. First it's Infamil with Iron. He goes through the same thing his sister does. He vomits, he has constipation, he screams. I ignore my ped. about formula and put him on this new(ie. wasn't around when my daughter was born) formula Infamil Gentle Ease. He puts on weight and feels great. He's a happy baby.
I encountered the same criticism about not breast feeding. I was told my child wouldn't be bonded to me if I didn't nurse. I was told I didn't love my child enough to sacrifice perky breasts(heh yeah right). People are so judgmental. I've had people tell me that it isn't that I "couldn't" breast feed it was that I didn't try hard enough. I'm sure if I had just put a little more effort into breast feeding my boobs would have magically complied.

I can't explain how lacking I feel/felt. What kind of woman can't feed her baby?? What good are boobs if you can't feed a child with them?? I can get pregnant like no ones business(I got pregnant both times on an oops and one time oops), I can push out a baby in no time flat(first one 8 hours start to finish, second one 1 hr 45 minutes) but I can't feed them. And people don't help when they judge me. I started talking to people and found out this isn't uncommon. My mother couldn't nurse my brother or me. My good friend couldn't nurse her daughter, her mother couldn't nurse her or her sister. All the same reason. So I wasn't the only one, but other mommys will make you feel that way.

Bottle feeding Mommy and proud of it. I have two beautiful, healthy, smart children who don't suffer at all from being on formula instead of breast milk.